At its annual convention this year, ADC will be offering a White House tour to the first 100 earlybird registrants. An ADC intern has leaked to Ikhras a transcript of the tour guide’s spiel.
You are prohibited from carrying the following items during this tour: firearms, cameras, inhalers, dignity.
Anyone who asks any questions about foreign policy or civil liberties will be immediately spat on, removed from the premises and lobotomized.
There’s also a new policy requiring all visitors to be barefoot. The White House does not assume responsibility for disappeared shoes.
Please make sure you carry government-issued ID (only US and Israeli governments-issued IDs are accepted). You may be strip-searched, probed and branded. We’ll also need fingerprints, a blood sample, a list of your political affiliations, full disclosure of any and all phobias and embarrassing secrets.
The White House has 132 rooms, 35 bathrooms, 412 doors, 147 windows, 28 fireplaces, 8 staircases and 3 elevators. Folk legend has it that Abraham Lincoln’s ghost still roams in the Lincoln Bedroom. There are also rumors that James Zogby lives under one of the staircases.
This used to be Barack Obama’s advisor Dalia Mogahed’s own office. Since the Secret Service realized her last name is derived from “jihad” she’s been doing her job from home via Skype. Ms. Mogahed expressed no hard feelings. Wouldn’t you like to be able to do your jobs in your pajamas?
This is the East Room, where receptions and parties are hosted. This room was literally a nightclub during Operation Cast Lead.
Here is the Diplomatic Reception Room. This is where several US presidents have met with Israeli prime ministers and Arab leaders to ensure US continued unconditional support for Israeli war crimes.
This is the State Dining Room, where the President lets House Arabs and House Muslims eat his leftovers.
Moving on to the Oval Office. This is the United States’ control room. Operation Desert Storm, Operation Iraqi Freedom, Operation Enduring Freedom were all conceived and planned here. Ladies and gentlemen, you are witnessing the room where the murder, dispossession and displacement of millions of people are carefully planned everyday. If you thought this was impressive, wait until you check out our Pentagon tour next year (assuming you get security clearance).
This over here is the Prayer Room. The tour will take a 10-minute break to give everyone the chance to pray to US empire.
Thank you for joining us. As a souvenir of your visit to the White House today, everyone gets a piece of rubble from houses the US bombed in Vietnam, Korea, Afghanistan, Iraq, Pakistan or Libya. T-shirts that say “ADC gave me a tour of the White House and all I got was this lousy t-shirt” are available for $24.99 at the ADC headquarters. Have a great afternoon.