Letters to Santa Claus

Dear Santa,

This Christmas, please ensure continued aid to Israel considering that the treacherous BDS movement is picking up steam. Could you replace the late Shake Soccer with a dozen greedier and more racist oil princes for me to befriend? I’d also like to be promoted from my current position as a DNC committee chair; I’d like to become President Obama’s valet. Let me know if you have a shortage of elves so I send you a couple AAI interns. And if you have time, could you by any chance look in to your lineage to see if you have any Arab ancestors?

Sincerely,

James Zogby

Dear Santa,

Can you get an Arabic dictionary for Christmas so I put it under my pillow and learn the language by osmosis? And do you still give out “integrity packages”?

Shookraan,

Ray Hanania

Dear Santa,

Though I support the French niqab ban, this Christmas I would like to ask you for a niqab. I’m too embarrassed to show my face for having normalized with Israel.

Thanks,

Mona Eltahawy

Dear Mr. Claus,

I’ve already scored dinner with Michael Oren. If you could arrange for me to dine with any living relatives of David Ben Gurion, Golda Meir and Moshe Dayan, that would be awesome. Could you also get me a copy of “Sufism for Dummies“?

Respectfully,

Hussein Ibish

Dear Santa,

More young Arab-Americans in the US Army, CIA and FBI, please! Surely our occupied brothers and sisters in Afghanistan and Iraq will understand our obsession with proving loyalty to the stars and stripes. While you’re at it, could you get Barack Obama to acknowledge our existence? It hurts our feelings when he doesn’t return our calls.

Love,

ADC

Assalamu alaikum Brother Santa,

We’d like a fatwa that it’s ok for Muslims to work for the FBI and enlist in the Army. We already encourage it, but an official fatwa would make more Muslims feel comfortable joining to fight our important war against Afghans and Iraqis. Also, please tell us who your Jewish counterpart is so we complete our interfaith outreach for this year. Rest assured we won’t bring up Zionism.

Wa alaikum assalam wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,

CAIR

Hi Santa,

Concentration camps for every Muslim-American outside who doesn’t belong to my organization, please. I’d also like to see an American flag shrouding the ka’ba if it’s not too much trouble.

Zuhdi Jasser

Santa, how the hell are ya!

Could you get Geert Wilders to endorse my book? Having Daniel Pipes and Alan Dershowitz support it is great but not enough.

An Arabic Rosetta Stone would also be nice so I learn how to pronounce “madrasa” and “ijtihad.”

Love,

Irshad Manji

Idea for this post inspired by the witty article by David Macaray at: http://dissidentvoice.org/2010/12/letters-to-santa-claus/


  3 comments for “Letters to Santa Claus

  1. Marlene Newesri
    December 24, 2010 at 2:13 PM

    ‘Dear Santa.

    Just when I thought I had read everything, Ray Hanania surpassed himself once again when he wrote an article in the Jerusalem Post entitled “Hanukah at the Hanania Household”.

    http://www.jpost.com/Opinion/Columnists/Article.aspx?id=197475

    To begin with Santa, Ray is not unique in the sense that there are many marriages where people of different faiths and cultures celebrate their mutual holidays, but above all, it is done with love and respect. In this intance, I am not sure what Ray was thinking of when he wrote the following as to his wife:

    <<<>>>

    Whether this is true or was merely written as “comedy,” is unconscionable, especially because Ray is a Palestinian. I would ask what kind of humor would anyone find in honoring a war crminal who was held personally responsible by his own peers for the massacre carried out at the Sabra and Chatilla Refugee Camps in Lebanon in 1982. It very well could have been Ray and members of his own family who were massacred.

    So dear Santa, I hope it’s not too late to ask a request of you as I know how busy you are

    Should you come down the chimney at Ray’s house, can you please remove that offensive sign, and also, if possible, please, bring Ray a book (preferably in English) on the Sabra and Chatilla massacres for which Sharon was personally held responsible.

    I know this sounds like a strange request, but it appears that Ray either does not know his own history, or simply chooses to mock it publically.

    Thank you Santa. Be well.

    Marlene Newesri

    P.S. Santa, please tell Ray to proofread his articles before they are published as it is not Arabs who know how to build settlements, walls, and barriers. He wrote:

    “After all, Arabs may know how to build settlements and walls, barriers and murals, but Israelis can’t cook ”

    • Marlene Newesri
      December 24, 2010 at 2:20 PM

      Sorry but the quote seeems to have gotten messed up. It should read:

      She had a huge display of Jerusalem with a big sign quoting Ariel Sharon “indivisible capital for all eternity” that she said she wanted to keep there all year long. She got it free – after a small donation of $1,00 – from the Jewish United Fund.

  2. DrM
    December 20, 2010 at 8:56 PM

    Brilliant!

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